The Fattest Guy in Israel

by woodenunderpants

I have often been heard to say in my most self deprecating way, that when I am in Israel, I am the fattest guy here.  OK that is not totally true, why just today I saw a guy who clearly outweighed me. OK maybe not completely outweighed me, but for his height, he was more round than I. Oh and he was about 70 years old, and clearly not Israeli. OK so what I am trying to say is that I am not really the fattest guy here. There are other fat guys, basically the other Americans. How can I tell if they are American or not you ask? Well like this.

Funny hat, running shoes. And I think his belly is bigger than mine.

I have to say, I have been a lot of places in this world but I can say unequivocally that Israelis are the most beautiful people I have ever seen. As a general rule. I don’t think there is another place I have been that makes me feel so badly about myself. I walked home a couple miles from dinner tonight with my stomach sucked in so hard, that now it hurts. I swear every guy in this country has a six pack, even the old guys! I have created a faux pack method whereby I wear a tight shirt and suck in my belly while bending over which gives the illusion of a giant 6 pack. Its like a 6 pack of two liter bottles stuffed into an XL Target V neck tee on a guy with some sort of spinal defect. Its hot, trust me.

Back home in the toothless capital of the NW Granite Falls,  I think I am in the words of Zack Galifianakis, “to most people a solid 2, to others a 3”.  OK maybe a tad higher, but grading on a curve, here I am solidly under the 5 mark. Hell everyone I know would be under the 5 mark here, and I know some good looking people.  Its a country of Fabian like men. OK that  guy on the left is Andrew Zimmern, he doesn’t count.

Men here rock the Speedo with manly gusto.  I think I might get one just to say I did. There will be no photos. Not from me anyway, maybe from the shocked onlookers but that is it.

And the women are just as beautiful as the men (notice how I covered the men first? That’s because I have a girlfriend and I’m not stupid). Look at this clown carrying his girlfriends pink bag to the beach. I am surprised he isn’t carrying HER to the beach. (Note, google is an amazing resource for girl butt pictures. That is my story and I am sticking to it. It would have been really creepy for me to sneak behind this couple just to record her butt cheeks and his lack of self esteem)

I mentioned to my boss Bob today something about the people of Israel being so fit and gorgeous. He said, I am staying in Tel Aviv in close proximity to all the beautiful people and that its not representative of all of Israel. I suppose that is true to some extent. I didn’t find Jerusalem to be as packed with beautiful people as Tel Aviv.

What makes it worse for me is that the food is so good, and as the Big Giant Airplane Company is paying for it, its FREE. My god, that is a curse of monumental proportions for trying to keep fit and trim in the land of Fabiagoddess-a-topia. Tonight I went to sushi at Moon, one of my favorite places in Tel Aviv. Its chocked full of trendy well dressed gorgeous people. I sat at the counter with a younger Israeli kid. We started talking, his name was Ziv. Come to think of it, it probably still is. Anyway, he has maybe 8 pieces of sushi and a water and says “well that’s it for me” and pushed away. Did you just read what I wrote? PUSHED AWAY AFTER 8 PIECES OF SUSHI! I think I ate about 49 pieces in the same amount of time, along with a salad and a glass of wine. When he said goodbye, see you Thursday (we have a pizza date at my favorite pizza place, Phillipe), I responded “spurbt shurby chobery chia petter bursday”, my mouth stuffed to capacity with spicy tuna roll. He was short change for a tip so I said I would cover it, he said “Thanks, I will buy pizza on Thursday”, but as he left I could see the fear and regret in his eyes. He is probably going to stand me up.