My friend ____ (name removed for privacy issues, but I will give you a hint, its the same as my name but with an arrie instead of an ary) posted a Facebook comment yesterday that alluded to the pain caused by a pair of shoes she was wearing. I read the post and felt the familiar tingle in my pants that causes me to want to write. Lets get this next part out of the way right now. I’m going to say it. I don’t want to say it but I am going to. Ready? Here goes. Women are dumb. There, I’ve said it. Now before all you women start soaking your torches in gasoline, let me just say, men can be dumb as well but for completely different reasons, and its not my job to point those out to you. You can write your own blog about that. This one is going focus on your dumbness.
Stupid thing # 1
You know what men will never do? Let me rephrase, you know what straight men will never do? Buy shoes like this:
What in gods good name would make women think these are a good idea to wear around for a night? Look at these stupid things! Do you have any idea who designed these? I’ll give you a hint, they don’t have a vagina. Or at least not as original equipment. These were designed by penis packing gay men, bitter and hateful for not being born a woman. Women being genetically predispositioned to shiny expensive things snap up these devices of torture without one thought as to the design/comfort correlation. Lets take a moment to study some basic anatomy. This is a woman’s foot in a natural standing position. And let me just add. Apparently out of the 8 gazillion images on the web there are no normal bare foot side images of women’s feet. Look at the picture and pay particular attention to the angle of the base of the foot in relation to the ankle. You will notice that this is almost a perfect 90 degree angle.
Now lets look at a womans foot in a stupid shoe position.
Notice the angle now. You can clearly see the unnatural position the foot is now in. I will guess the angle at a full 180 degrees. I have a theory and it is this. I don’t think women have any angle calculation capacity as it relates to shoes. They see a shoe like the one in the first picture and are unable to correlate that into pain. Men on the other hand look at that shoe and immediately think, “broken ankles, blisters, corns, sprains, carpel tunnel ankle, ingrown toenail etc”. Women think, “I would look so hot in that shoe” with nary a worry for its torturous design. Furthermore, not only can women not tell that this is a terrible shoe, they will wear it and immediately complain of the pain it is causing them but say that it is indeed worth it for the beauty it bestows upon their feet. Then after a couple hours of pure spiked heel hell, women will most likely remove the shoes and carry them. Go downtown on a Friday night and you will see hundreds of women carrying stupid shoes.
There is a great irony to women wanting to look good by wearing these shoes. Ready for it? Its not to look good for men. Its to look good to OTHER WOMEN. The hell you say. Yep totally true. Most women could care less about looking good to men. Hell they will go to lengths to keep men away, such as wearing a fake wedding ring so as to not be bothered. No, the low cut shirts, the mini skirts, the high heels, they are all for women. We are after all animals, and just as in the animal kingdom, the female species needs to look better than the other females so as to attract a male. Of course somewhere in the evolution of humans, women lost the need to attract men all the time but kept the need to LOOK like they were attracting men. Men are very confused by this. Take for instance the low cut shirt. Men see boobies and must stare. We can’t help it, we don’t know why, we just do. Its nature for gods sake! Then when we do look, we are yelled at for looking. PIGS! “But, but, you are showing the boobies, and I am ever so confused. You show the boobie but you don’t want anyone to look?” Years ago I had a cartoon on my desk that showed a woman sitting at the desk of a plastic surgeon. The caption above her head said, “I want them big enough so that I can yell at men for looking at them”. Exactly.
Men (straight men) on the other hand, buy shoes (and all clothes for that matter) based solely on comfort. Which with almost 100% certainty does not equate to looking good or being fashionable. We for the most part were born without the need, or some may argue, the ability to look good. Case in point, there is no way to dress up the horror that is a mans genitals. Enough said on that. If you look at my shoes, and for the record, I, as my kids can attest, am metro sexual. I do love the shoes. But fortunately I do still love the boobie as well. ANYWAY, if you look at my shoes, although a few are fairly fashionable, they are all comfortable. And if by some slim chance I wind up buying a pair that aren’t comfortable, they immediately get returned. Done. All my clothes, comfortable. Shorts, baggy. Shirts, loose. Collars, wide and tie free. Underwear, keep things in place while allowing me to breathe freely. Air is after all, big Jim and the twins best friend. There isn’t a chance in hell of me wearing a tight mini skirt and high heels. Hell if I were flaming gay, I wouldn’t wear it.
Stupid thing # 2
Women are generally women’s worst enemy. They are the cause and reason for almost all your daily pains and discomfort. Lets take your hair. Women would love to just let their hair go like men do, but they can’t, know why? Because their girlfriends would laugh at them and make them feel bad. Men on the other hand can just decide on some days to not do a damned thing with their hair and when they see their buddies the most they might get is, “wow your hair is completely f**ked up today dude”, “yeah I know right, I didn’t shower cause I was drinking beer and playing video games”. Women on the other hand would be horrified to show themselves to their friends without being all primped up.
Men are perfectly happy with going to a barber or hair stylist that is as cheap as possible. If I could get a haircut at the gas station while getting gas, I totally would. Women, oh hell (say hell like a black woman, they do it best) no. Women have been convinced by other women that anything short of a $100 haircut is a sin against god and man. Or woman. Last January I asked my daughter what she wanted for her birthday. She responded that she wanted a bazillion dollar haircut from Gene (we sodomize women) Juarez. I asked how much, she says around $100. Sigh. OK fine, its her gift. She calls GWSWJ (Gene we sodomize women Juarez) and I fuck you not, they inform her that she needs to come in a week before her HAIRCUT for a CONSULTATION. Great, I get to drive to the mall twice! I was hoping that would happen. After the consultation and the list of 57 things that are recommended for her hair, Sara and I agree on a haircut and some other things that men are incapable of understanding. When we actually get there, she goes in, she is greeted by the most fake human beings I have ever seen in my life. I am not sure they are even real people. She is given a robe made of baby kitty fur with fresh petals of a rare African violet pasted to it. She is asked if she wants some tea, maybe a mocha frappacino chai skinny latte topped with real gold dust sprinkles and a baby hummingbird. I am told it will take a week and three fortnights to complete her hair so I leave. About an hour later I am called on the phone by Sara. She says, “Dad my stylist Claudelle says that I really need a baby seal oil treatment because my hair has lost all its natural luster due to using Suave shampoo for years. Its only $847 but it does come with a $5 off coupon for the $97 dollar shampoo I need to use to keep the baby seal oil from washing out of my hair, but I won’t have them use the extra shiny foil and pure platinum hairbrush with bristles made of T-Rex bone, that will save us money “. I can’t really remember what I said in response. I think I was in a stupid people induced coma. When Sara was done I went in to meet with the GWSWJ finance people to discuss payment terms. Right now BECU is showing a 30 year fixed rate of 3.9%APR for a GWSWJ styling. I chose not to pay and to just stab everyone in the face with my 12” Shun Santoku knife to get out of paying. I’m lying, I just dreamt that last part. Seriously the bill was close to $200 dollars with the $25 DOLLAR TIP I WAS SHAMED INTO LEAVING. Talk about adding insult to injury.
A quick look at GWSWJ’s website lists their services. One, and I kid you not, is called “The perfect Blowdry” $47. I’ll tell you what, you come to my house, I will give you a REAL perfect blow dry for free. We will drink a couple bottles of wine, get rip shnickered drunk, race up the road in my Mercedes with you topless hanging out my sunroof, hair blowing in the wind, screaming “fuck you Gene Juarez!!!” I will film the whole thing, put it on youtube, you’ll be famous.
All for free.
And as an added bonus, you can yell at me for staring at your boobs.